They were both older, maybe in their 60′s. She wore a summer hat with a loud pattern and a heavy, floppy brim. He wore an old ball cap, probably with some fishing logo on the front. The loose skin on his neck folded over his collar as he glanced over at her to speak. He smiled, kept talking, she responded with animated head movements making her floppy hat warble.

The moment really struck me. It was like being in a boat on a wavy lake, the wind always annoying you just a bit until an unexpected calm rests the surface. Relief. Peace.

I envied them. While I have fought so hard to remain single (who am I kidding, it hasn’t been that hard considering what a mess I’ve become) for nearly 6 years now, I realized that contentment and love still existed. That there was still hope for me. That I too, one day, might gabber back and forth with my ‘old man’ in a little royal blue Toyota Matrix.

Maybe.

Social networking (networking–what a fucking joke) has become all the rage. Facebook, with its questionable privacy policies, Twitter with its I’M-CURRENTLY-TAKING-A-SHIT-BRB play-by-play demonstration of our complete willingness to provide a sort of pseudo-transparent view of our lives have become a daily experience. We hear expressions like “that was a YouTube moment” and “get a shot for my FB page” all of the time. What it is doing to us is interesting. We’re essentially less connected than we previously were.

Okay. In all fairness, I’ll stay away from the generalizations and instead relate my own experience. I’ll start with Facebook. I have a little over 200 friends there. Weeee! Whatever…How many am I actually involved with in real life? Maybe 5. How many of them do I have real face-2-face contact with? Maybe 3. When is the last time I actually visited or went for coffee with any of them? I can’t remember…that’s how long it’s been.

I felt the need to share with the world of FB that I felt down. I felt shit on. I felt depressed over losing my job. In a matter of minutes I had all the proverbial “keep your chin up, you’re a great person who deserves great things” and “you are so loved!” bullshit that FB has a tendency to foster from well-intentioned ‘friends.’

I even got a “call me anytime honey” routine…so I did just that. I called. No answer. Called again later. No answer. Left a voice mail saying something to the effect of “I guess you’re not around, give me a call when you have a chance!” Response? NONE.

Yeah…love you too…

Welcome to the FB experience. Meaning what you say and taking action on it doesn’t apply. Just placate the shit out of the downtrodden and you’re all set. You officially fit in. What a ridiculous example of ‘connecting.’

I do however see people connecting all the time. Usually there is alcohol or copious amounts of mood-alteration strategies involved. Yay. Sounds like a wholesome activity. I’ll pass, thanks.

Do me a favor reader. If you are ONE of those people, spare me the agony of reading your trivial love bites. You know damn well they are just words, not intended to actually alleviate anyone’s burden but your own miserable failure to reach out to those who need it.

That screen suits ya.

I’m talking about people needing you around when they want something. Maybe they want you to do something for them. Maybe they need you to be there listen to them vent and spew. They need your resources or your resourcefulness. Maybe they want someone on their “side” when they’ve picked a fight they can’t win. Maybe they just want to accomplish a goal and they need you to help them make that happen. Maybe they are just lonely and need a friend they don’t have.

On many counts, I’ve done my best to accommodate. At least I have given it my best. But that’s over now.

You see. Being a servant to everyone else’s needs has offered me a few things, most of which I can’t say have been nearly as positive as I’d like to think they would have been.

I no longer need to feel “good” by helping someone. I no longer feel indebted to humanity for allowing me to be part of their “space.” At this point they can consider themselves lucky if I share mine with them. I no longer suffer from the drive to please. And it’s been met with some adversity. The first symptom is their shock at your not complying to their every wish. What happened to the doormat? Venomous, seething rage ensues. Other times, they just write you off without the courtesy of a warning. That used to come as a shock to me. It doesn’t anymore.I’ve grown accustomed to it. So accustomed in fact that I show them to the door before they get the chance to shut me down.

I have grown comfortable with the fact that I’m adversarial by nature. Now before you go judging me as some contrary bitch, let me explain what I mean by adversarial.

When you do something that affects me negatively, I’m going to let you know. Duh! And being that I have the gift of words and a solid vocabulary at my disposal, I’m probably going to be quite passionate about how it feels to be shit on by you. Yes, you. There is usually a combination of reactions, but this is how it usually goes.

You do something inappropriate. I let you know that I’m not impressed and that I want you to stop doing that. You disappear. End. Point finale.

Seems easy but not so fast–how does this constitute any form of honesty in life? Was I there to be your ass-kisser or did you actually want someone to share your journey with you? Are you so offended that perhaps your shit stinks too and that you’ve done something untoward? Are you so haughty that you think you’re above reproach?

Give me a fucking break.

So, looking back, looking forward, I’m seeing that perhaps this is a feature of the types of individuals I engage in relationships with or maybe it’s just a symptom that hangs in there to the bitter end, much like it was in my home of origin…no one ever talks it out, works it out, figures it out, tries to resolve it. They just walk away.

I’m used to that abandonment. I used to feel sorry for myself about it. Now, not so much…I just feel bitter. Resentful. Disgusted. Apathetic.

If loving and being loved is about compliance with another’s demands, fuck it. If loving and being loved is about never  being honest, fuck it. If loving and being loved is about being perfect  because someone can’t handle your own lack of perfection, fuck it. If loving and being loved is about YOU, fuck it.

Where do I come in? Where do I matter? Where does what I think, say, feel, experience count? Did it ever? Where is anything I say, feel and do important? Not important in some narcissistic and self-serving way, but just plain, bare-bones important enough to be validated?

How has this changed me? Well, for one, I don’t trust people. Surprise, surprise. It isn’t that I have an expectation that they won’t ever make mistakes or do something that affects me or themselves negatively, because I expect that from the get-go. What I never see coming is that they will NEVER apologize. They’ll NEVER make amends and they will NEVER attempt to demonstrate that they actually feel bad for what they do.

But they expect me to do it.Always. In fact, if I ever want to have any kind of involvement with them again (which at that point is always questionable anyway) it’ll be ME who apologizes. Me who somehow twists the whole mess to look as if I did the inappropriate thing and not them.

Crazy making. Really crazy making.

Friends. WTF is that? I’ve had so many and lost so many, I’m not even sure what a friend is supposed to be. Female friends are especially fun. They’ll ditch you as soon as a dick walks into their life like you were yesterday’s trash. Once their paramour dumps them or things go awry, guess who’s back to say hi? Yup…hey girlfriend! How’s it going???

How’s it going? It’s GOING to go like this. You will suck up your stupidity and stay the hell away from me because I’m not your fucking venting pole. If you can’t appreciate my “chicks before dicks” policy then you’re not worth my time or my emotional investment. I take friendships seriously enough that I don’t need to put up with that kind of blatant disregard.Never-mind that I told you he was an ass. Never-mind that I warned you this was headed nowhere good. Never-mind that I gave a shit. And now, after being abandoned by you for how many months, years or days it took for you to realize reality, you want back in? Consider yourself toast in my trail of loyalties. I don’t need that kind of friend. Fickle, man-pleasing bitch that you are without so much as an apology for ditching me and our friendship.

Don’t be thinking you’ll waltz back into my life like nothing went wrong.

Feck that!

Last night I stood, smoking a cigarette at my back door when this sense of dread came over me. It’s that familiar sense of dread I often experience from God knows where and it always leaves me feeling so troubled even if I can’t find the cause. Then it dawned on me…

Back when I was about 12 years old, my mother was seeking out the advice of some great psychic (at least that is what she purported her to be) and she was reluctant to share what the psychic had shared with her about her future and the future of her children. Anyway, I managed to squeak out of her a few details, one of which was that she was told one of her children would perish at a somewhat young age–namely…45.

I for one don’t give much stock to what psychics say. They have been debunked often enough for me to realize that they have very little value to contribute to people’s lives other than steering them off into a direction they might not have otherwise taken had they not been the wiser. But this felt personal. Very personal.

I struggled with the anxiety about this for years. The early demise of this child in particular would be due to illness. The thought has followed me around like a black cloud. I’ve had people tell me the whole thing is ridiculous and that it’s even more ridiculous to subscribe to such a notion but I must say that the sense of dread I experienced last night likely had everything to do with this little age-related tidbit of information that was so carelessly delivered to my young ears at such an age when I was not ready to hear it.

What I have to examine more than anything, is the lack of responsibility I take with guarding my own sense of truth. This seems to be an internal struggle for me. Disciplining myself to think according to my own ideas and not another’s. To date though, it still disturbs me, much like 2012 prophecies may disturb someone out there.

Which brings me to my next post…

Oh and for my readers, please feel free to comment or engage in topics of interest for you on my blog. You can comment at the heading of each post and I would love the interaction. It gets lonely here in the blogosphere.

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Lyrics

“A Beautiful Mess”

You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needy,
Humble but you’re greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I’ve been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don’t mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
‘Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I’m paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]

We’re still here
What a beautiful mess, this is
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is “Yes”

Through, timeless words and priceless pictures We’ll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together

And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the way it was so worth it.

[Thanks to Jennasie for these lyrics]
[Thanks to Mike, Kelli, Emeleigh McDonald for correcting these lyrics]

[ www.azlyrics.com ]

Great Smart Ass Answers!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. ‘What are my choices’?, John asked. ‘Yes or No’, she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight Attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy. ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger’?
‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The Police Officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the Officer said.
The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way, without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that said, ‘Low Bridge Ahead.’
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him. His truck gets wedged under it and cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes. The cop gets out of his car, walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a Nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses, whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say, if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS EXTRA!
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible: I look old, fat and ugly, I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

Without seeing any reason to believe that women are, on the average, so strong physically, intellectually, or morally, as men, I cannot shut my eyes to the fact that many women are much better endowed in all these respects than many men, and I am at a loss to understand on what grounds of justice or public policy a career which is open to the weakest and most foolish of the male sex should be forcibly closed to women of vigor and capacity.–Thomas Henry Huxley

Ah yes, Thomax Husxley…a man after my own heart. A man who was cynical about his own, masterful in his chicanery and all around just plain cool.

That women have been and can be as strong or even stronger than many men is obvious to me and while it may not be readily recognized in this ignorant place I call home, the facts speak for themselves. I know men of every respect, completely lacking education, skills and even experience and yet many of them–if able to put on enough machismo and confidence effect– are able to secure positions where they are paid far greater wages than I would garner with 10 degrees. Why is that?

Now before , dear reader, you go off with some miserable and pat answer as “oh, she’s another feminist” or some such ignorance, I think it is important here that you really consider this reality. You may be male and thinking that this simply isn’t true. That women in fact do have just as much opportunity as men to make as much money as men do. That would have been your first blunder. If you believe that, you do not have the same facts I do.

Google is your friend.

The 2008 ACS median earnings of men in the United States who worked full-time, year-round were $45,556. For women, the median earnings were $35,471, or 77.9 percent of men’s earnings.

Source

Okay so this is in the United States but sadly, it’s even worse on average for women in Canada from the results of different studies.

Now how is it that a woman’s work is valued less to this day? How is it that we are jammed into “supporting” roles in the workforce as administrative assistants and secretaries?

I’d much rather be called a ‘reformer’ than a feminist. Feminism implies the assumption that I hate men. How inane. Don’t even go there. But how is it that women are the larger population of those coming out of post-secondary educations and yet THEY are paid less than their less educated male counterparts? This makes no sense to me, none whatsoever.

I’ll start respecting men again when they stand up for this crap and stop expecting their wives, girlfriends and daughters to earn less than they deserve.And not just being placated with, “oh I know, it’s just not fair that you women don’t get paid more” while doing absolutely NOTHING, SQUAT, NADA to change it.

Nope. I won’t respect. Not until I see it. Respect goes both ways.

BOTH ways.

Which brings me to my next favourite cynic on women’s issues.

Women have a hard time of it in this world. They are oppressed by man-made laws, man-made social customs, masculine egoism, the delusion of masculine superiority. Their one comfort is the assurance that, even though it may be impossible to prevail against man, it is always possible to enslave and torture a man. –Henry Lewis Mencken

If men wish to be treated “fairly,” I think it’s high time they started proving the point.

I completed my Bachelors degree in English Rhetoric and Media Studies in June. I’ve been at university for 5 years. Five years of near starvation mode with 2 kids to feed and one that hung around for a year who has now gone back to his dad’s in Kirkland Lake. I couldn’t afford to take care of him. He couldn’t afford to stick around. Don’t blame him. There was nothing for him here and he missed his friendships.

Speaking of friendships…I have none. None in the sense that I actually have someone I can call just to talk or anyone I can ever hang out with where I’m not a third wheel in their life. Not that talking is going to solve my work problems or alleviate my financial struggles but I do envy those who have close friends and family they can talk with when times are tough. I’m at a loss. I just sent in two more resumes.

I’m tired. I’m lonely. I’m just feeling spent. Life isn’t at all going the way I had hoped it would and this place, well, this place is even more depressing. This whole thing of everyone being sick and the economy being what it is has been weighing on everyone. So many are struggling.

I’ve started applying for jobs that I am considered “over qualified” for. I don’t care anymore. I just need to survive and I’m a sole support parent with mouths to feed. It is nights like these that I feel that my life has been nothing but a long, drawn out mess.

Staying optimistic and positive would be the right thing to do now. Maybe reaching out to someone, anyone would be a good thing. Then again, I don’t want to impose on anyone. Everyone is always so busy with their own ‘stuff.’ I know what that’s like.

Maudlin reflection is a useless passtime, I know. Nevertheless, this is where my thoughts bring me on days like these.

I’m wondering why I don’t have working friendships? Everyone seems to either be in relationships so a single woman as a friend isn’t compatible there. They’re all meeting men. I am not ready for a relationship. I don’t know that I ever was. Regardless, I’m feeling pretty down tonight. This is at least helping me get it out.

It’s funny, when you’re younger, it seems so easy to have friends. They are all over the place. There is always someone you can call just to spend time with or talk. Now, everyone is always so busy. I hear stuff like “well, I’m going to go watch a movie with my ‘guy’ so I gotta go… or I am stuck with awkward moments around male friends who cross the line into wanting more. I can’t give that now.

I feel so inadequate. I mean what the hell is wrong with me? I am told by my vocational counsellors that I’m “very marketable” and yet, no job. I get told that I’m “such a good friend” all the time, but I’m so alone! This isn’t making any sense. Ugh.

I miss having a best friend. I miss spending time with people OTHER than my kids. I miss feeling like I have a life. Most of all, I miss feeling that I contribute value to anyone’s life but my children’s and I don’t even feel equipped to do that very well.

Maybe I just suck. Maybe I always sucked.